01: Sex a Delicious Binder
We think about it all day: men on average about 34 times and women 19 times. News (or rather scandals), programs, and articles about sex are devoured. In fact, the need for sex is the main driver of reaching the top, at least for men. And sex is healthy.
Still, the importance of sex is overestimated, says sex researcher Ellen Laan, among others. Our own research into why little sex says nothing about your relationship shows that we do it less often than you would expect based on all the interest.
Despite that, sex remains a wonderful binder. We improve from good lovemaking both mentally and physically.
02: Little Or No Sex
Unfortunately, sex can also cause relationship problems. For example, infidelity is one of the most important relationship killers.
The difference in meaning often causes problems between men and women. And the joke is the safer the relationship feels, the more effort couples have to put in for passion and tension between the sheets, says relationship expert Esther Perel.
Some couples have very little, if any, sex. Of course, if you’re both happy with a non-sex or low-sex relationship, that’s okay. But more often than not, one of the two is not so happy about it.
03: Advice For a Better Sex Life
First to get rid of a major misunderstanding: the sex drive doesn’t always come spontaneously. Research has shown that libido does not exist. You must consciously open yourself to sexual stimuli. So: how do I get more sex drive?
Which stimuli you find exciting is not the same for everyone. According to sex expert Emily Nagoski, knowledge about what impresses the sex pedal on yourself and your partner, and what the brake is, is therefore important.
Do you find the idea of being caught exciting or not? Do you fall asleep from a massage, but do you find it exciting to be tied up? Find out and talk to your bed partner about it.
04: Sexual Problems
Sexual problems occur in many relationships. In addition to not feeling like sex, erectile dysfunction is still a taboo. While almost a fifth of men suffers from this.
No less than 1 in 3 women and girls occasionally have pain during sex. For 1 in 10, intercourse is always painful. It is estimated that 1 to 6 percent really suffer from vaginismus. Usually, the cause is psychological; due to the fear of penetration, the pelvic floor muscles cramp.
In addition, there is an orgasm gap in many heterosexual relationships: men orgasm 90 to 95 percent of the time, women 30 to 50 percent. This is mainly due to a lack of knowledge about the female orgasm.
The vast majority of women do not cum from penetration alone. They need clitoral stimulation.
Making love without peaking can also be very satisfying, but preferably not too often. Coming is not only nice but also healthy.
05: Asexual: Never Sex Drive
One person’s sex drive is more sexual than the other and almost every relationship has periods in which there is little or no sex. But about 1 percent really makes no sense and is asexual. This is more common in women than in men.
Although people who are asexual do not desire sex with another person, about 70 to 80 percent do experience romantic feelings. The causes of asexuality are still unclear. Most asexuals see it as an orientation, a normal variation. As one is bi and the other is straight, they are asexual. This idea is supported by most researchers.
06: Porn And Sex Fantasies
You used to be banned from a grubby corner of the video library, nowadays you can choose from a dizzying number of porn movies on the internet – paid or free.
Most people don’t seem to have that much of a problem when their partner watches porn. It seems because especially women underestimate how often their husbands actually do that. And they also prefer not to see him on his own. Men hardly ever object if their partner enjoys porn.
Women may watch porn less, but 90 percent do have sexual fantasies, an English study shows. About 30 to 60 percent of women fantasise about submission, such as being forced to have sex or being tied and beaten. The researchers note that they do not always want their fantasies to come true.
07: Sex Addiction
Sex addiction and porn addiction are increasingly common, particularly among men. This is because sex is increasingly up for grabs. Not only in the form of porn but also a real sex date has been scored via apps such as Tinder and Grinder.
Incidentally, women often call their husbands sex addicts because they want sex more often than they do. However, according to sexologist and expert in the field of sex addiction, Gertjan van Zessen, at most, a few percent are actually sex addicts.
This group literally sees itself as a slave to sex and is constantly engaged in it. They literally have an insatiable appetite for sex. For those who really can not stop themselves and want it constantly, it is wise to seek professional help.
08: Sexual Education
“Mum, how did I get into your stomach?” Well, give a good answer to that. The best advice to be open and clear. Just use words like ‘penis’ and ‘vagina’. It is better not to wait until your child asks about sex education, but to start talking about it yourself. Do not tell everything at the same time, but bring it up several times. When a child is 8, it should know just about ‘everything’.
The fact that young children can easily come into contact with porn is a cause of concern for many parents. Of course, it is not exactly the information they had in mind. Fortunately, by far the largest group uses it to get excited and not as some sort of teaching material. Especially if they also receive sex education from their parents and at school.
09: Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse often marks the victim for the rest of his or her life. If it happens at a young age, the child’s brain may even change due to a large amount of stress hormones released. The fact that the outside world (and especially via social media) often calls that it is someone’s ‘own fault’ makes the impact of sexual abuse even greater.
Have you ever been sexually assaulted or raped, talk to someone you trust? Especially if you feel that the event is holding you back from enjoying life to the full, it is important to seek professional help.
10: Sexual Harassment
Sexual harassment has been a hot item since the MeToo movement, and with good reason. After all, many women still think that they are being whistled at. But hissing, shouting (‘Hey baby’ or a coarser variant) or worse: being touched inappropriately is nasty and threatening. Especially if that happens in a remote, dark street.
Variants in which – in most cases – men abuse their position of power for sex have been in the spotlight since the Weinstein lawsuit. Hopefully, this will really turn things around, whereby this kind of behaviour is no longer seen as acceptable or normal.
Sexual harassment at work is also common. Do not embarrass yourself, but take action. If your employer has a confidential counsellor, he or she can help. Start by making a list of your colleague’s unwanted behaviours, such as personal emails, sexual jokes, touches, compliments, and any other actions you deem inappropriate.