“Casual sex” Not as exhausting as one-night stands and more exciting than a steady partnership: casual sex, i.e. meeting for sex every now and then, is the relationship model of the hour – as long as you follow a few rules. We clarify the eight most important questions
1. We never defined ourselves as casual sex. Should we?
Depends on. If everything goes well and the semi-commitment suits both: shut up, enjoy and carry on. A tacit agreement is ideal because it is more relaxed. But especially when you have questions like “Does he want more?” buzzing in the head, a definition is quite helpful. The following applies: speak plain text – but without a dramatic “We should talk”. Much nicer (and just as clear): “I enjoy that we’re just having fun. It would be nice if it remained so straightforward.”
2. How emotional can casual sex be?
Inner closeness is absolutely welcome. Because that’s exactly the beauty of casual sex – that two people sleep together who like each other and can let the other go. With one caveat: the surge of emotions should be strictly limited to the moments in which you have sex. Outside of bed, there is no heartbeat in casual dating etiquette. Never. That is why it is better to end the matter immediately if the somewhat insidious bonding hormone oxytocin arouses feelings of infatuation in (only) one of the two at some point.
3. Can I leave my toothbrush with him?
A resounding yes. Here, the following applies very pragmatically: This means you can stay flexible during spontaneous overnight stays, and you don’t have to fumble around for a guest toothbrush. A discreet toothbrush in the bathroom closet does not send an “I’ll spread out over you” signal. A whole drawer with a change of clothes is something else.
4. What – besides casual sex – can I do with him?
Everything that is fun for both parties. It doesn’t matter whether you’re jogging together, going on a Vespa excursion, going to a restaurant, or attending a poetry slam. In order not to cross the fine line from casual dating to relationship-like structures, these three rules help 1. Do not plan long-term activities such as holidays together. 2. No evenings with other couples. 3. Spending the night together should not happen too often.
5. What do I do when it’s his birthday?
If he celebrates in a small group with his friends, the best way to shine is to be absent. He should have fun unobserved – you would be out of place here yourself. Just like he would be at the birthday party with the clique, by the way. However, there is absolutely nothing to be said against writing a funny card on such occasions or harmless (and unromantic) little things like a vegetarian cookbook.
6. Does it send the wrong signals if he knows my friends?
Let’s play it through in our minds: Suppose you take him to a movie night with friends for one week, shortly afterward he accompanies you to your best friend’s wedding, and if you happen to meet your buddies when you go out in the evening, there is a big one first Hello. That sounds nice in theory – but anyone who integrates their casual date so strongly into the circle of friends can look for a steady relationship right away. Of course, you don’t have to keep it a secret from your friends. And there is nothing to prevent him from saying hello briefly at a bar evening. But more interaction is unnecessary.
7. Can I ask him to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases?
While it goes without saying that a condom is used for casual dating, one thing should be clear: HIV is not the only risk. Since rubbers only provide limited protection against some of the very common sexually transmitted diseases such as chlamydia or gonorrhea, it is completely legitimate for both sides to be tested in a long-term casual sex arrangement. The health authorities offer tests for sexually transmitted diseases anonymously and usually free of charge. Of course, the whole thing only makes sense in the special case that both are currently living monogamously.
8. Do I tell him if I have other dates?
Sure, you’re not a couple. That’s why everyone can do what they want. So other dates are basically none of his business at first. Still, openness is good for one reason: telling each other now and then about how meeting other people were is a perfect emotional indicator. As long as both of you can chat about other amorous entanglements, no jealousy and you just get along well, you can count yourself very lucky, because: You have found the perfect casual date.